Hurt

I've felt pain before, who hasn't? But the pain that I feel now...it's as if all I AM is pain. It courses through me, tinging my every thought. I laugh, but then wonder why since I've ruined my life so completely. I get angry, but it eventually dissipates because I feel as if I have no right to anger when I did not scream. I feel as if the only emotion I am allowed is pain. All consuming, burning, murderous pain. I've been suicidal in the past, even planned it out. But now my impulses for suicide come randomly and several times I've only barely been able to stop myself. And then I wonder why I did. Sometimes I remember that I have family and friends who care, but sometimes I don't. Sometimes my loneliness is almost as bad as the pain. I have a sneaking suspicion that they feed each other.