Heartbreak

I feel like my heart has been torn out, stomped on, shredded, stapled back together incorrectly and put back in backwards and upside down. I wish I hadn't fallen in love with her. It's like losing Krissy all over again. Only worse. Because I know Jessi in person. I know what her touch feels like. I know what it feels like to have her kiss my cheek. My hand. My neck. I know what it is to hug her. To hold her hand. To see her smile light up a room. To laugh with her. To listen to her tell me how she sees the world and have all these new possibilities opened up to me that I'd never thought of before. To feel home when I'm with her. Home in a sense that I've never felt before in my life. And now I'm losing that feeling. I never had a right to it, but it was there. But with her gone...my ability to have that feeling is diminishing rapidly. And I don't know what to do. It hurts.

Truth

Dear God,
People tell me that you are real. That you created all that I can see, hear, think, feel, touch...everything. That your love is infinite. That I should trust you.

But guess what? I think they're liars. Because, if you are real and your love is so infinite, then why did you let me get raped? Why do you let wars happen? Why is there genocide? Why is there abuse anywhere, of any kind?

And honestly, the answer that I'm given is bullshit. Do you honestly expect me to believe that you letting people suffer in order to prove themselves worthy of reaching heaven is an acceptable answer? It's just not. Why not let people prove themselves worthy by the good they can do for each other? Letting evil exist so that people have a "refiner's fire" experience in their life? YOU LET EVIL EXIST. If you were real and everything they say you are, then you would never let evil exist. My heavenly parent? No. No loving parent would ever stand by and watch their child get hurt without lifting a finger to stop it.

You don't exist. Whatever it is that possessed people to believe in you, THAT was evil. People say that "Satan" will tell a thousand truths just to get you to believe one lie. But I think they forget that that applies to everyone. If you were perfect, you wouldn't let evil happen. So you must be capable of lies, too. You are a lie.

A lie I am tired of being afraid of.

Un-affectionately,
SarahRae

Silently Screaming As Always

Everything is so messed up. And I'm losing my ability to care. I tried to put myself out there but that was a mistake. I tried to be kind and THAT was a mistake. Everything keeps blowing up in my face. I just want to be able to be...me. Whoever that is. Because I don't know anymore. And my shrink says that's what I have to figure out from our sessions together, but I don't even know if that is possible. All I DO know is that I should have stayed in.

Supposed to Be

I was supposed to be successful. Supposed to go to Harvard. Supposed to graduate high school and college early. I was supposed to save myself for marriage. Supposed to have boyfriends. Supposed to be skinny. Supposed to be happy. Supposed to be married with a child or two by now. I was supposed to have a job to be able to support myself on my own. Supposed to be perfect.








I was supposed to be anyone but who I am.

Fuck it. I give up. I can't do anything right, can I?

Missing

I don't want to go on anymore. I don't want to keep trying. Nothing is real anymore. The facade I wore has penetrated into my soul except for the glaring fact that I know it is not truth. I can no longer do it.

Silently Screaming

There are a million things I want to say to you. A million things I don't know how to put into words. I'm getting tired of living without a purpose. I'm getting tired of all the screaming in my head. There are things I never should have said. Secrets I never should have given voice to. There is so much I wish I could take back. So many actions, thoughts and wishes I would never have done if I knew the things that I know now. Because what I know now is that no one cares beyond what necessity or duty compel them to. Not even me.
Selbstmord. The deliberate killing of oneself. Do you have any idea what it is like to wake up day after day, week after week with images of your own death? Or if it is not your death you dream of, it is the death of someone else. Someone you know in your waking life. Someone you dreamed up. It doesn't matter. Every instance is gut wrenching. At least at first. After that, it becomes disturbing. Then...annoying. And suddenly, it's a part of your everyday life. But, your subconscious won't give up there. It starts to mix in more "regular" dreams, or dreams that are just as screwed up as dreams of death, in with your death dreams. So that every time you sleep your mind becomes more confused, your reality becomes more distorted and always you feel like crying. I did not scream aloud when I was raped or sexually assaulted. I did not scream when my fingers were slammed in a car door. I do not scream. I do not cry loudly. I scream and cry in silence. Because no one cares. Not even me.