Listless

Listless:
-adjective
-having or showing little or no interest in anything; languid; spiritless; indifferent
-me.

I cut again. Tried to collect the blood. Was a bit harder than I had planned on. In order to get the amount I want/need, I have to cut deeper and/or more. Or, at a place where a vein is closer to the surface. But I dislike cutting deeply because I scar terribly from cutting lightly. So, the arm is out as a source. Perhaps the ankle next. In the mean time, life is dull. At home, everything is the same: no one understands or even asks. They are blind. And they take everything that has been keeping me alive. In my mind, things are getting worse: I dislike myself (duh) but am quickly realizing that I'm much worse than I originally thought. It seems that I set myself up for disappointment. Because nothing good will come of what is now before me. It is an impossibility. Experience has shown me that. And yet, I continue to give away my independence to people and things despite the past and its pain. It would be better if my existence had never occurred. Stopping it suddenly does not erase what has happened and those involved. No. It would be better had I never been born.

Rage

Headaches seem to be constant. And constantly shading everything red. Anger is almost constantly beating at the back of my head, and when it takes over my headache gets worse because my whole head pounds with the force of my anger on TOP of the headache. And anything is likely to set me off. Especially my own thoughts. Cutting numbs all of this but I've suppressed the urge since the last post. I don't think it's going to last much longer. I finally found a container to collect my blood so that I can write with it with my calligraphy pen.