Everything is nothing, yet nothing is everything. How can I describe this feeling? It's as if I'm empty inside yet there is something yearning to explode out of me. My hands and feet are like ice but the blood I feel racing through my body is as hot as fire. Where my heart is hurts. My throat burns. My temples ache. My mind is on over-drive. Yet about what won't it shut up? I don't even know. It races from topic to topic. From one end of a debate to another: do I cut or not and for heaven's sake WHY?!; do I scream or not?; do I starve or not?; do I lie or not?...the list seems to be endless torture. And always nagging is my weight, particularly now since I know I am not good enough for them. Instead I must have weight-loss ads shoved into my face time and time again, screaming at me "YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!". All the while, my own mind is already telling me that I'll never be good enough. I'll never be anything but the whore I was taken as. No one of consequence easily tossed about. My own mind calls me out for the traitorous hypocrite that I am, condemns me to death, and cries out at the realization that I still breathe. I am filth unworthy of the gift that is life. Anything pointing to the contrary...is only the devil laughing and playing the game of deceit.
I feel as if my chest has collapsed in on itself. Is this what it is be be counted among the living dead?
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